


Mine Immortal

by ManicPossum



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Is This What Madness Feels Like, M/M, Multi, Other, This Was An Act Of Love, What Have I Done, may god have mercy on my soul, please help me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 11:32:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ManicPossum/pseuds/ManicPossum
Summary: [The fic, the myth, the legend: My Immortal, But In EorzeaA complete and utter nightmare I (re)wrote for my beloved fellow Ascian Fuckers.May the gods have mercy on my soul.]





	Mine Immortal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The Ascian Fuckers Discord](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+Ascian+Fuckers+Discord).
  * Inspired by [My Immortal](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/501106) by Tara Gilesbie. 



> From Possum: If y'all degenerates thought ya girl was joking, you were incorrect. I made it through EIGHT CHAPTERS of this absolute madness before I lost the will to keep coming up with Eorzean analogues to Harry Potter shit.
> 
> To everyone on the Ascian Fuckers discord: You are beautiful people and I am honored to be a part of the completely insane community we have built. Happy one week anniversary, and I wish you all the bread and corn in Florida.

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) igeyorhm, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! hythlodaeus ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Emet Dark’ness Dementia Hades Selch and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with a white streak and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy yellow eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like A’my Lhee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m not related to Gerard de Façon but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I’m also an Ascian, and I run an empire called Garlemald in Ilsabard where I’m in the Founding Father (I’m older than you can imagine). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside the Waking Sands. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of Scions stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Emet!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. The Warrior of Light!

“What’s up hero?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW scionz stop flaming ma story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Iggy (AN: Igeyorhm dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length blue hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilwyb Manswyn t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to the Warrior of Light yesterday!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like the Warrior of Light?” she asked as we teleported out of the Rift and to the Waking Sands.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, the Warrior of Light walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Garlond Charlotte are having a concert in Ul’dah.” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY SCIONZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN IGEYORHM! oh yeah, BTW I don’t own dis or da lyrics 4 Garlond Chralotte.

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some hyur blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. The Warrior of Light was waiting there in front of his flying magitek armor. He was wearing a Simplistic Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi hero!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Emet.” he said back. We walked into his flying black Garlemald-Benz magitek armor (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Garlond Charlotte and Marilwyb Manswyn. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Garlond Charlotte.

“You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life.” sang Cid (I don’t own da lyrics 2 dat song).

“Cid is so fucking hot.” I said to the Warrior of Light, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly the Warrior of Light looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked the Warrior of Light sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Cid and he’s going out with Nero fucking Scaeva. I fucking hate that little bitch.” I said disgustedly, thinking of his ugly blonde face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did the Warrior of Light. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Riol and Cid for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. The Warrior of Light and I crawled back into the Garlemald-Benz, but the Warrior of Light didn’t go back to the Waking Sands, instead he drove the magitek armor into……………………… the Black Shroud!

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok emet’s name is EMNET nut mary su OK! THE WARIOR OF LITE IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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“HERO!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

The Warrior of Light didn’t answer but he stopped the magitek armor and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Emet?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

The Warrior of Light leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I the Warrior of Light kissed me passionately. The Warrior of light climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my earring. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Elidibus!

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a scion or a posr! Da only reson Eldibus swor is coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

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Elidibus made and the Warrior of Light and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. The Warrior of Light comforted me. When we went back to Vesper Bay Elidibus took us to Speaker Lahabrea and Archon Urianger who were both looking very angry.

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Black Shroud!” he yelled in a furious voice.

“Why dids’t thou doest such a thing, ye mediocre dunces?” asked Archon Urianger.

“How dare you?” demanded Speaker Lahabrea.

And then the Warrior of Light shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

Everyone was quiet. Elidibus and Archon Urianger still looked mad but Speaker Lahabrea said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to the Waking Sands.”

The Warrior of Light and I went to the hideout while they glared at us.

“Are you okay, Emet?” The Warrior of Light asked me gently.

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I teleported to the Rift and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. When I teleported back….

The Warrior of Light was standing in front of the Solar, and he started to sing ‘I just wanna live’ by Garlond Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his chambers.

Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up scionz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the Pissed Peiste, I ate some Count de Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn’t have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like the Warrior of Light’s and there was no scar on his forhead anymore. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy Aldenard accent. He looked exactly like Cid Garlond. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m an Ascian so I didn’t get one you sicko.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s Thancred Waters, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then the Warrior of Light came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Enet isn’t a Marie Sue ok he isn’t perfect HES A ZODIARKIST! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 zodiarkz sake!

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The Warrior of Light and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we to the Waking Sands. I was wearing red Zodiark sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?). I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with the Warrior of Light. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with the Warrior of Light. We went into his chambers and locked the door. Then…………

We started Ishgardianing passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

“Oh hero, hero!” I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on the Warrior of Light’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words………… Vampire!

I was so angry.

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” The Warrior of Light pleaded. But I knew too much.

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. The Warrior of Light ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire’s chambers where he was having a conversation with Speaker Lahabrea and some other people.

“VAMPIRE WATERS, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a scion!

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Everyone in the room stared at me and then the Warrior of Light came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

“Emet, it’s not what you think!” The Warrior of Light screamed sadly.

My friend B’loody Shtola Rhul smiled at me understatedly. She flipped her long waste-length gothic white hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Shtola was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a Ascian but Hydaelyn killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Rhul and not Baldesion. (Since she has converted to Zodiarkism she is with the Ascians now not the Scions. )

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Lahabrea demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

“Vampire, I can’t believe you cheated on me with the Warrior of Light!” I shouted at him.

Everyone gasped.

I don’t know why Emet was so mad at me. I had went out with Vampire (I’m bi and so is Emet) for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Minfilia, a stupid Scion fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a Scion.)

“But I’m not going out with the Warrior of Light anymore!” said Vampire.

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Black Shroud where I had lost my virility to the Warrior of Light and then I started to bust into tears.

**Author's Note:**

> A Final Note from Possum: Is this what madness feels like? I have gazed so long into the abyss that I now fear its gaze will never leave me. I am a broken shell of a woman, consumed by ancient memes. I no longer know where the shitpost ends and I begin.
> 
> Let this be my undying legacy. My gift to the ones who have gifted me with their friendship and compassion. May the horror you have endured remind you that I love you.


End file.
